And now for something completely different ...

I'm tired of writing about Backtrack Oblahblah, but nothing else really comes to mind, so I've dug up some of my poetry.

My Fish is Swimming Upside Down

My fish is swimming upside down
And bumping into stuff.
He is my fav'rite goldfish
But this has gone on long enough!

I think maybe he's just tired
From swimming ev'ry day.
I let him sleep with me last night,
And hoped he'd be okay.

I think my fish went right to sleep
Though it's pretty hard to know.
Fishies never close their eyes
So when they sleep it doesn't show.

When I got up this morning
I put him in his tank.
When mommy changed my covers,
She said my pillow stank.

Now my fish is mostly floating
As he bobs from side to side.
Still he's quite a friendly goldfish
And he gives a snail a ride.

Daddy's looking at my goldfish.
He's got a funny frown.
Now he pats me on the shoulder
And he says, "Come here, sit down."

He sets me up upon his knee,
And he says it's okay to cry.
He says, "For everything their comes,
A time to say goodbye."

He tells me lots of other things
That I don't understand.
But it doesn't really matter,
Cause my my daddy held my hand.

Still at first I didn't like it
But dad knew what to do.
So when it's time to go to Heaven,
I hope someone will flush me too.
-- Capertree

Is It Truly That Hard to Stop Smoking?

I’d been puffing away for the past 13 or so years — probably up to a pack and half per day. About 12 days ago, I decided to quit. No great revelation led to my decision nor was I persuaded to give up cigarettes by friends, family, or some random public service message. I was nearly out of cigarettes and had a dentist appointment the next day. Since I was getting my teeth cleaned, I figured I could help keep them that way if I stopped smoking.

I’ve had one lapse. The evening that I officially stopped, I had three cigarettes left. About four days later — about two-thirds of the way through ten hours of boring newsletter editing — I gave in and smoked one of those three remaining cigarettes. Then I destroyed the other two.

The addiction part has been less difficult for me to get over than the habit. There was some irritability during the first few days and some unusual restlessness, but with the exception of that one instance, I haven’t been exactly climbing the walls in desperation. What has been most stressful is missing the ritual of lighting up. I find myself looking for my ash tray when I sit my favorite chair. Or when I’m writing, I keep wanting a cigarette because that was how I worked. (Even though frequently a cigarette could end up becoming just one long ash if I was really into what ever I was doing.) I also miss having a cigarette after a meal or when I conclude some project or activity. That desire is becoming less pronounced with each passing day, and now I can’t imagine buying any more cigarettes.

To be honest — given the great pain and suffering I was led to believe would descend upon me — I’m most surprised at how easily I’ve stopped.

(My dad smoked heavily for about 50 years then he decided to quit cold turkey. His method was keeping a pack in his shirt pocket, but whenever he felt the urge, he would “put off” smoking for a little while. Thus, he kept putting it off until he didn’t want a cigarette anymore.)

I think a big problem is that there’s not very many people with a vested interest in saying it’s not that hard to quit. Makers of smoking cessation products (i.e. nicotine patches, gum, etc.) need you to believe it will be difficult to stop so you’ll buy whatever they’re selling. Tobacco companies can strategically appear to support smoking cessation programs, but by hyping how hard it is to quit, they may actually be discouraging their customers from trying. Government agencies and other do-gooder types aren’t ever going to be happy unless they can convince all of us we’re hopeless incompetents who really shouldn’t be trusted to tie our own shoe laces. Their constant message is “life is hard and scary, and you need professional (or government) help to make it through."

As for the people who stop smoking? What’s the incentive in saying it’s easy? People congratulate you for quitting. Friends and family are supportive. If you’re rude to someone, you can blame it on nicotine withdrawal. You can eat more … because everyone knows quitting cigarettes leads to weight gain.

Most importantly, if you fail at quitting … well, you know, “it’s very, very hard to quit.”

I’m thinking though, it we really wanted people to quit smoking we’d stop saying how hard it is. Rather than fawning all over the person who decides to stop, we should note that only a weak and pathetic loser would give in to such an illogical temptation.

I know it sounds a bit cruel. But really, if you lead people to expect failure, you end up getting it a lot more often than you should.

Still, if anyone wants to congratulate me, go ahead. I really won’t mind.

The Plus One Factor

I am tired of writing about (against) Barack Obama. So today, I’ve decided to post my “mathematical formula” proving the existence of God.

This is probably ridiculous since I only passed Algebra I in high school (on my second attempt) because I made the teacher laugh. But if you can follow along my thought process, you may find this interesting. And if you can point out where my theory is obviously BS, please let me know.

Otherwise, enjoy your impending headache.

The Theory

The number line is infinite — both as positive and negative integers.

We could express this opposite "ends" of the number line like this:
-∞ and ∞

All other numbers (x) fall in between these opposing expressions which could be expressed like this:
-∞ < x< ∞

More importantly, (and I don’t know how to express this) the relative value of x compared with -∞ is infinitely "greater than." And in this the equation, the relative value of x compared to ∞ is infinitely "less than."

Therefore the relative value of x is both -∞ AND ∞. The two simultaneous values cancel each other out, leaving a relative value of zero. (The same could be said for both ends of the spectrum in relation to each other.)

Though we're considering the number line in this equation, the equation holds for any thing in the universe which could in any way be measured (by weight, volume, mass, length … etc.). Regardless of how large something is, you could imagine it being larger. At the same time, no matter how small something is, you could imagine it being smaller. (Simply think half the size, or twice as big.) This puts anything that one can measure in the same predicament as x on the number line — that is relatively "infinitely larger than" or "relatively infinitely smaller than" and thus having an overall relative value of zero.

So everything in the universe has a relative value of zero next to a value that is, itself also zero. It follows logically then that nothing in the universe exists!

However, it's clear to me (at least) that in what we take for the physical world, something does exist.

Thus, there must be some value outside the universe that gives all things reality, that --- by its presence in our net zero universe --- brings all things into existence. I call this the +1 Factor.

God.

Stop Climate Change: Let’s Stay with Spring!

The effects of global warming are undeniable. Just three months ago, I could walk a mile or so to the nearby CVS Pharmacy for a carton of cigarettes and barely break into a sweat. Normally I drink diet cola exclusively, but after the trek today I came home soaked with perspiration, gasping for air and actually craving water. Bleeggh!

I guess it’s my own fault. I was one of those Floridians who mastered the difficult task of casting a ballot to help give George W. Bush his 517-vote margin of victory here in 2000. Gosh, if only the Democrats on the Florida State Supreme Court had been successful in achieving a count they liked, it wouldn’t be getting warm in June.

Yeah, I know 1998 was more of a scorcher, but that doesn’t count because Bill Clinton was president. And most of that heat was generated by the Monica Lewinsky scandal anyway (which, as everybody knows, was a Republican-orchestrated circus). And yes, 1998 was tied by 1934 but hello? … FDR.

Still it remains a fact that the temperature has skyrocketed an astronomical one degree Fahrenheit globally during the past 120 years or so. A few dips and rises along the way, sure, but overall it’s still about a whole degree hotter (or almost back up to where it was 74 years ago). And when you eliminate the sun as a potential source of heat for the Earth, maybe 0.05 of that one degree is attributable to non water vapor greenhouse gases — some of which are produced by people. It’s outrageous that after two terms in office, George Bush has done nothing to get us back to the really cool Nixon-Carter years. Deny that, dammit!

Of course, global warming is only part of the problem … especially since we’re currently in Year 10 of a suspected global cooling cycle. (We may want to hold off on publicizing this until a Democrat becomes president.) Rest assured it will be much, much hotter again, probably in about 20 years (or about the time the GOP finds its way back from the wilderness). Today the preferred term for impending doom is “climate change.”

And climate change is going to continue unabated unless we Americans renounce our sinful ways. No more air conditioners, no more cars, no more light bulbs that produce light. Unless we change, you can count on fall, winter, spring and summer giving us rain, snow, hurricanes, tornadoes, floods and droughts (thaws and freezes and big gusty breezes!). It’s all going to take place somewhere — like it’s never happened before.

So act now to stop the seasons, vote Obama08!

Note: I didn’t bother sourcing my facts because I’m lazy, not because they aren’t true. Just take my word that I’ve done some research and reached a consensus. Plus, I used a computer to write this. End of debate.

I Won't be Going for this 'Strain'

I first became impressed with Michael Crichton as a novelist after reading Andromeda Strain sometime in the early 1980s. I remember that I bought the paperback at a used book store in Auburn while I was in college. I didn't have cable so I read a lot more back then.

In short, the sci-fi novel is about an alien microbe that comes to Earth as a highly deadly and rapidly spreading virus. What I liked about Andromeda Strain, as well as subsequent Crichton books that I've read (The Sphere, Congo, Jurassic Park, State of Fear), is the level of scientific knowledge woven into this author's stories. In addition to a getting a good tale, I learn things.

A few years later when I finally got cable, I saw the movie adaptation of Andromeda Strain. (Sometimes I'll watch a movie version even after reading the book, but never the other way around.) I guess it was filmed sometime around the mid 1970s ... I could look it up, but don't feel like it. I thought the movie was pretty good, though not great. The nitty-gritty of the "science stuff" just doesn't translate very well to film. But there was something about the movie that I found very refreshing: there were no hot babes or hunky guys.

If I remember correctly, there was a core group of about five scientists and only one of whom was a woman. She was overweight, wore horn-rimmed black glasses and was probably in her early 60s. The guys were all average looking, down to David Wayne (the only actor whose name I know). Wayne was probably in his 60s as well, and I doubt he was ever considered a classic leading man. They were what "real people" look like.

I been catching promos lately for a re-make of the movie to be aired on A&E sometime soon --- maybe this weekend. Sure enough, it seems the new version will be going for the GQ meets Cover Girl look when it comes to casting a majority of their roles.

Last night I watched a horror film where the main character was an alcoholic sheriff. Think of a boozehound sheriff and you might think of Robert Mitchum or Dean Martin in a couple of westerns with John Wayne. (There were two John Wayne movies that were essentially the same film, just different actors and a different title --- neither of which I remember.) Maybe Mitchum and Martin cleaned up pretty well, but they were far from glamorous in those films. They looked liked you'd expect alcoholic sheriffs to look.

Not true of the "hot young chick" in the film I saw last night and I found the casting to be ridiculous --- way more unbelievable than a 900 year-old Aliens-ripoff monster killing everyone in a conveniently isolated tiny Southwestern town.

I won't be watching the latest version of the Andromeda Strain, though I'm sure the special effects will be much better. I feel I owe some loyalty to the fat old lady scientist in the first film ... as well as the legions of not-so-attractive folks who do most of the work in the real world, leaving entertainment fluff to the beautiful people.

What's that song about?

One of my favorite musical artists is Enya. She is an astonishing talent: a lovely vocalist and amazing muscian (she composes and plays all the instruments on her albums).

She sings in English, Gaelic and sometimes Latin.

When I hear one of her songs in a language I don't understand, I usually imagine I have a sense of what she is singing about ... with mixed success. There was one, entitled Smaoinim that I pretty well pegged as being about someone dying. Another one, called Ebudae, I thought was a song about going into battle, but instead it was about washing clothes. Eh, win some, you lose some.

Muzak is like hearing a song in a foreign language, except the words have been replaced by notes played on a musical instrument.

Now, have you ever noticed how many truly good people aren't affiliated with any religious faith? Some of them are atheists.

It is my belief that such people "hear" the music but not the words. They're listening to heavenly Muzak. And I think the tune they're hearing is beautiful enough to affect their whole outlook on life.

But they're missing the words. To a certain extent we all do ... so we make up some to fill in the gaps. So while it's nice to have so many music lovers, I do think we often have too many people just humming or possibly thinking about fighting when they should be more concerned with the wash. (If you've read some of my other posts, you'll see I'm consistently guilty of this.)

To get the words right, you really need to get in touch with the Composer. Of course, before you do that, you have to acknowledge that there is one.

Evil's Purpose

Humans are the only creatures on earth capable of imagining a Perfect Existence — our primary desire.

From an individual’s perspective, a perfect existence would be one where he has authority to establish Order by controlling all things (with obedience to nothing) and in turn having every wish (of his own choosing) gratified.

There are two components in the quest for absolute gratification: Liberty and Order. The vast majority of people grudgingly go along that Perfect Existence is not possible in the physical world. Because we are not alone, most of us understand we must compromise some aspects of the Liberty and Order components. Liberty becomes the province of Self, whereas Order is that which is imposed. Because we are simultaneously ourselves and the imposed upon, we seek a comfortable balance between freedom and security. This is the Great Compromise, and also, I believe, the practical essence of the "Golden Rule."

Rational people, accepting that Perfect Existence is beyond human capabilities, therefore seek the Perfect Balance between Liberty and Order. Establishing the parameters of such a balance is itself, establishing Order, yet this Order ideally preserves a significant amount of Liberty.

Depending on their circumstances, experiences, and instruction, individuals have different assessments of where the balance between Order and Liberty should be struck. To the extent that we feel secure or are confident in our abilities to resist chaos, the more we lean toward the Liberty side. The weaker or more threatened that we feel, the more attractive imposed Order becomes.

The lure of Perfect Existence, however, remains at the core of our being. It is a temptation to go to political extremes in search of Liberty or Order, so that one can achieve the other extreme as well. We can see examples of the latter in the form of robber barons who oppose regulation or laws in order to become “king of the jungle” and ultimately “buy happiness.” The other is the despot who runs the strictest police state, but he indulges in every whim. For both parties, the greater their success, the more they come to resemble one another.

Perfect Existence is attainable, but only through complete subjugation of self to God. In surrendering to God, union of our spirits takes place. Being one with God, we have ultimate liberty, and have achieved eternal, immutable perfect order. This is the Holy incarnation of the Primary Desire. Unfortunately it is the false version that most often motivates us.

There are two evils. The First is the desire to establish order for self aggrandizement. “I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will be like the most High.” Isaiah 14:14 (King James Version). It is the pursuit of the Primary Desire ... but without God.

The Second Evil is subjugation of self to Order that is not God. Not knowing God, and out of hopelessness and despair, we might place our faith in anything other than ourselves; viewing ourselves as essentially worthless. We have seen the effects of extreme subjugation demonstrated by people who commit atrocities only because they were instructed to do so. Or it may be seen in given one’s self over to the rule of drugs.

In this world, there is a sublime dynamic at work in that the First Evil is at war with the Second. Tyrants fall because inevitably abject subjugation becomes too much for the individual to bear — self interest drives rebellion.

Conversely, even the most seemingly utopian society will crumble, as some individuals come to desire more for themselves than others. And this should not be regarded as a loss. Perfect Existence, apart from God is The Great Lie. The failure to build our own Garden of Eden, as well as the fall of the most brutal dictators, brings us back to reality.

For temporal world, the twin evils of Selfishness and Subjugation to unholy authority drive us back to the Great Compromise.

And for the eternal world, the competition of evils is the mechanism drives us to seek God’s Kingdom.